Well, it is Wednesday night, and it has already been a long week. I have decided that if I could do with a bit absurdity to help me get through the next two days, you probably could too. I promised you absurd moments, and that is a promise I intend to keep. This little gem is a review that I wrote quite awhile ago. But unlike Sam’s awesome review on When We Were Animals, this review is about one of those books that stayed with you in a bad way. Now, I already know what you are probably thinking. I should have known it would turn out this way from the title. But I was raised to believe you should try things before you say you don’t like them. Without further ado, here is my review for FILLED BY OCTOPUS MAN: Hentai Sparks Nasty Erotic Love (Tentacle Monster Erotica Book 2) by Q. Zayne.
For the past six months you have been concerned about my developing addiction to alien smut and monster porn. While I will probably never give up alien smut, you really need to read Ice Planet Barbarians before you can judge the alien smut, today you can rest easy. I am so emotionally scarred that I don’t think I will ever be able to read tentacle porn again. I’m serious.
But first, I need to apologize. I’m so so so terribly sorry. For you see, in the beginning of this story, I actually thought that maybe this would be a good introduction for you into tentacle porn. Don’t give me that eye. I’m serious. It started out so sweet. Octopus man fed his soul mate breakfast in bed. STOP IT! STOP LOOKING AT ME THAT WAY! I know you are currently wondering if I ever really knew you. Trust me, I do. Because what you have failed to consider is what exactly would an octopus man feed his beloved for breakfast. Weeeellllll, it was sashimi quality tuna. I will pause while you drool over that. I will pause again while you consider going to Maru for lunch. Just realize that my stomach hates you. It really really does.
Don’t worry, it took me less than 10 minutes to see the error of my ways. Casey, I can’t even begin to describe the trauma I felt reading this. This book will haunt me for the rest of my days. And since we are friends, my pain is your pain. I don’t think you will need more than these quotes to understand what I had to endure:
“The tentacle tip forced its way into her cervix, invading her womb.”
“Ken skull fucked and throat fucked her with vigor, taking her lips, her tongue, her entire mouth, her fucking throat, her entire fucking head and gullet with his massive tentacle.”
“Her squirting caught him full in the chest, the geyser of her juice splashing on his penny nipples and running down his rippled abs and smooth navel passage, sluicing down his straight pubes and plum balls.”
“His power subsumed all her fears, taking her over and he insinuated his tentacles into every opening, even one tentacle tip snaking into her pee hole.”
How will I ever move past this? Please help.
Your Traumatized Friend,
P.S. There better be alcohol this weekend. After this story, I have earned it.
*UPDATE: Since the original publication, Casey did read Ice Planet Barbarians. I’m proud to say that she enjoyed it well enough to read several in the series. That will be another post. I, however, am still traumatized. It has been almost 18 months and still can’t even consider reading tentacle smut. Some wounds are just too deep to heal.