Well guys, we’ve made it to yet another Friday. It’s become one of my favorite days of the week because
a) it’s the end of the work week
b) that means it’s time for another Freaky Friday post.
In the past Abby has regaled you with some of her favorite alien sexy times, and Shelly showed us a side of Colonel Sanders I thought I’d never see: Colonel Sanders written about in the carnal sense (Ha! Carnal Sanders. I crack myself up.) And, of course, it seems like only yesterday we were discussing the incredibly bizarre world of Martian ant porn. Trust me, we love writing about that shit. It’s fun and more than a little freaky deaky at times. In fact, we could probably fill this blog with nothing but talks about absurd erotica, alien sex, and monster porn. This week, however, we thought we’d change things up a bit. You know, rock the boat, shake it up, keep it fresh.
Don’t be afraid. Embrace the change.
This post won’t be discussing anything of a sexual nature (though the story does contain some sex). No, instead I’m going to share with you this little gem I found in the short story collection Burn Down the House and Everyone in it by Zachary T. Owen entitled “Little Danny.”
This story caught me off guard. I was completely unprepared. You might ask yourself, “Who is Little Danny and why is he so special?” or not (I’ve seen it both ways.) As for myself, naturally when I read the title my mind went, “Okay, so there must be a Big Danny if there’s a Little Danny, right? Obviously Big Danny is the dad. You know, Danny Sr. So Little Danny is almost certainly Big Danny’s son, Danny Jr.” See? That’s some critical thinking right there. But always in my mind Little Danny was a person. So imagine my surprise upon discovering the true identity of Little Danny. Gah! I hate to even say it because it’s so disturbingly awesome that I want you to be as equally awesomely disturbed by it if you read the story. Man, I’m almost bursting at the seams with giddiness to reveal this, but I’m torn because some may consider it a spoiler.
What to do, what to do……
So, Little Danny is actually a pet, not a person. Ha! That fucking blows as a reveal, doesn’t it? I mean, a person could potentially name his or her pet Little Danny and it not be weird. It’s not a big freakin deal. But that’s where you’d be wrong, my friend. This couple, Anne and Darcy, decided kids weren’t the right choice for them. Instead, they opted to adopt a pet. A nice dog or cat from the Humane Society seems the obvious choice, right?
When Darcy arrives home to surprise Anne with the newest member of their household,
“Inside the cage, naked but for a pair of boxer briefs, was a small Danny DeVito.”
A miniature mother-friggin Danny DeVito.
I died (figuratively, not literally, obviously.)
You see, I’m a big fan of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Huge fan. So the idea of a miniature Frank Reynolds aka Danny DeVito in his briefs, in a cage, as a fucking PET slays me. It’s too perfect. The author has to be a fan of the show. And then they name him “Little Danny”. It was absolute genius.
In this fictionalized world a new fad has developed: celebrities are cloned into miniature “pets” that can be adopted. These pets look exactly like their human counterparts, only scaled down. They can sorta be potty trained, can kind of eat people food, but they don’t speak, aside from grunts and whines, and are basically big pains in the asses.
Yes, I’m talking about you.
It’s a short story so I can’t write too much without giving everything away. I’ll leave you guys a little mystery (though honestly, Little Danny really is the best part.) Let’s just say things don’t go smoothly and Little Danny ends up being more than they bargained for.
All you really need to know is that there’s a cloned miniature of this guy
running around in his underwear, grunting, whining, and making huge ass messes. You can’t get much freakier than that people. It was so amazingly absurd and perfect.
So that’s it. This Freaky Friday update is officially concluded. I know it was a deviation from the norm, but I hope you guys were just as amused and disturbed by the idea of Little Danny as I was.
Have you guys read anything absurd, bizarre, or just fucked up lately? We’d honestly love to hear about it.
Have a great weekend, you weirdos.