This is a blog about me. Perhaps you’ve wondered about the people behind the blogs (probably not). This will give you a peek at one of the members of the MacHalo team. It’s probably more than you wanted to know, but I’ll try not to be too morbid and negative. I share this because hopefully there might be one person out there who needs to hear it and will know they are not alone. Here is someone who is flawed and sad sometimes and kooky and far from what society says is “normal.”
#1: I have depression and anxiety.
I’m what they call “high-functioning” about 95% of the time, but I have gone through some rough periods over the years, starting at puberty. Puberty is a horrible, lonely time, even if you are surrounded by friends. I can still remember it and remain sympathetic with teenagers, especially females. I can’t say how it is for males, obviously, but menstruation and getting breasts and ALL THE FEELINGS and not knowing who you are, but refusing to accept that anyone else older than you might be able to help. Thankfully, I found drama and choir. I don’t want to scare my parents if they should ever read this, but if I hadn’t stumbled on theater and singing, I don’t know if I would be here right now.
Invisible diseases suck. Anxiety affects 18.1% of Americans and only 36.9% of those suffering seek treatment. Anxiety and depression often go hand in hand. The leading cause of disability is the U.S. for ages 15 to 44 is Major Depressive Disorder and is more prevalent in women than in men.
For me, it is vital to find ways to distract yourself and learn to redirect negative self-talk. Never make plans to harm yourself. Never give up. You are not alone!
2017 Invisible Disabilities Week is October 15-21.
And so, moving on to something more uplifting; literally.
#2: I have had out of body experiences.
Now, I won’t go into too much detail because people think this subject is way too woo-woo and there are a lot of skeptics out there. I will just say that I have been sober and lucid and my soul, consciousness, energy, whatever you want to call it, rose from my physical body, which remained in bed, and floated around the room. My first reaction was that I felt pure joy and wanted to shoot straight up into the stars. But I couldn’t get through the wall! I would get in and then snap back into my body, go out, get stuck again, and snap back in. I am guessing that the physical wall made me think of my physical body, so I went back to it.
What ended this particular experience is that I became aware of a presence in the room with me and I looked in the corner and there was a male sitting on the floor, watching me. I did not recognize him and he showed no emotion. He was just watching my nonphysical body wandering about the room. Well, it freaked me out bigtime, so I snapped back in my body a final time, looked right to the corner, and of course, nothing was there! I ended up lying in bed and eventually fell asleep. Cool experience, right?! I thought so. There is more out there than we are usually aware of!
#3: I am fat.
I have struggled with my weight since puberty. I think maybe I was uncomfortable with my changing body and hid out in my room and didn’t exercise and started eating too much. I lost a lot of weight after high school off and on, but have always gained it back. I’m guessing part of it is in connection with the depression and anxiety.
I know that I am an awesome person. I realize this. But, the fat seems to have dug its way in deep this time. Which is me saying I am having the hardest time trying to lose it. I lost 40 pounds before I went into the Army, so I know I can do it. I just have motivation issues and don’t care. I want the pizza, the champagne, and exercising sucks!
People probably judge me, but whatever. I’ll lose it when I’m ready, I guess.
So, fat people, REPRESENT! We aren’t gross or dirty or slobs or lazy. We may sweat more, but hey, that’s what showers are for!
With those heavy topics out of the way, I’ll close with some fun little facts about myself…because I know all two of you are dying to know.
- I’m left-handed.
- I’m a proud Hufflepuff.
- Lestat from The Vampire Chronicles was my first book boyfriend and I really wanted him to come turn me into a vampire so freaking bad. (You may remember this from my vampires blog that was posted soon after we started!)
- I still use a pay-as-you-go phone so can’t Instagram or do anything smartphone fancy people do.
- I am not domestic, hate cooking and cleaning house, and suck at crafts!
- I moved to a state where I didn’t know ANYONE (no friends or family) for a job and I’m very proud of how brave I was/am!
- My favorite music is anything by School of Seven Bells, Cocteau Twins, Beastie Boys, Sigur Ros, Porcupine Tree, Grimes, and lots of others. British new wave is still a thing for me!
- Reading is my main pleasure in life. I like fantastical things, paranormal, magical, out of this world plots. It’s my only escape, usually.
Finally, even though I tend to have a negative outlook, I actually have a lot of love and kindness in my heart and am very hopeful. I complain a lot and can be very pessimistic, but that is my way of venting. My true heart still hopes for a happy ever after and wishes the best for everyone!
So maybe another one of our team will volunteer next time to do a similar blog. It wasn’t planned. I think I just needed to get some stuff out. But, maybe they will. We shall see.
Until next time!