The Everything Box by Richard Kadrey

The Everything Box (Another Coop Heist #1) – ★★★★

Coop is a good guy, but unlucky. Well, actually, he was sold out, and ended up in jail.

Prison coffee was like someone had shouted the word coffee into a bag of potting soil and strained the boiled sludge through a dirty T-shirt.

Then, after he gets out, he gets wrapped up in another heist. Of course. He just loves his thieving ways. This is set in our world, but one with magic, vampires, angels, etc. etc.

Richard Kadrey is known for the Sandman Slim series. This one is different, but still very much “Kadreyesque.” It’s freaking hilarious! You’ve got an angel stuck on Earth until he brings about the destruction of humankind. His name is Qaphsiel.

He’d forgotten about how hard it was for modern mortals to accept the concept of celestial creatures walking among them. The extent of their imaginations seemed limited to the certainty that cats were the best animals, extraterrestrials actually existed, Jim Morrison and Amelia Earhart were still alive and an item in Paris, and reptile people from the center of the Earth controlled all world governments. Only one of those things was true, but try explaining that to mortals.

You’ve got Phil Spectre, freelance poltergeist. Morty, human, who sells Coop out, but might still be an okay guy. Giselle, who is a Marilyn, and she and Coop might have an on-off thing going on. Bayliss and Nelson are cops who work for DOPS, which I think stands for something like the Department of Paranormal Services?

“Oh, crap,” she said, scrambling into the driver’s seat. Nelson snort-laughed again. “You even curse like my grandma.” “I really hate you sometimes.” “You’re the wind beneath my wings.”

He’s also an alcoholic.

Nelson, like other members of the group, was holding a ritual crucifix. His was hollow. He popped Jesus’s head off and took a drink. “Now that’s the power of Christ,” he whispered to Bayliss.

At least you get to be somewhere civilized. Look where the rest of us are stuck.” Nelson held his hands up to the subterranean chapel. “It looks like the seventies took a dump in Castle Grayskull.”

There are also two demon-worshiping cults – the ones who worship Caleximus and the Abaddon clan. They are hilariously very ‘Murica, goofy, love bake sales, fried cod, and generally are just a hot mess.

“Metal.” “Hair metal,” said Jerry. “Hey man, metal is metal,” said Lloyd. “Not if you’re dressed up in a leotard like my mom doing aerobics.” “It’s Spandex and it’s expensive. And chicks dig it.” “In 1989. You guys play a lot of old-folks’ homes?” “Pearl Serpent kicks ass,” shouted Lloyd.

“Oh, and from now on you can address me as ‘Dark High Magister.’ Or ‘Lord,’ once we get to know each other better.” “Yes, High Dark Magister.” “No. Dark High.” “Dark High. Got it. Okay, I’ve got to go before someone hears me.” “And how do you say good-bye?” “Oh. Good night, High Dark Magister.” “Dark High.” “Dark High Magister. Good night, sir.”

As you can see, the book is highly quotable and I rarely highlight, but found myself doing so and giggling often. It’s incredibly irreverent and over the top ridiculous with the outlandish shenanigans. Highly recommend!

Other random quotes:

  • What if it was an attack corgi? That didn’t really make sense. Even with a jetpack, the best the dog could do would be to nip at his knees.
  • What Coop was most acutely aware of was that Rodney smelled like a garbage dump dry-humping a slaughterhouse in the large intestine of a sick elephant.
  • On the way in, the dropped his cigarette on the sidewalk and a mangy pigeon picked it up in its beak. Coop felt bad about sticking the bird with such a lousy smoke, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s