Grumpy Book Grrrl

a writer and reader

My depression and anxiety have reared their ugly heads more than usual. I seem to live with a certain baseline that I have learned to accept as “normal” for me. Jaw-clenched, fidgety, unemotional, busy mind… I think a lot of it has to do with my existential depression.

I recently found out I have scoliosis. I had an x-ray for stomach issues and the doctor showed me how my spine curves to the left. I knew that it curved a little, but I was quite surprised by how much more it curves now. I am wondering if this has been (at least partly) the source of some of my sleeping issues. It’s been especially bad lately. I used to think when I had to prop myself up on pillows to fall asleep that it was heartburn or that something was wrong with my heart. I almost feel a numbness in my back/chest and a feeling of being out of breath. Now, I wonder if it’s the way my spine might press against my lungs depending on my sleeping position. It’s worse when I try to sleep on my left side.

I guess I should go to the doctor again to discuss it more in detail. In today’s healthcare world (at least in the US), you can ONLY see the doctor for ONE issue. They are so busy and see so many bodies in a day that they don’t have the time for a comprehensive visit. Which means, in the US, more co-pays. Mine is $30 a visit. I started therapy recently, so imagine an extra co-pay on top of that bi-monthly. You pay hundreds a month just to have insurance, and it’s expensive to USE the insurance. I guess that exacerbates my depression and anxiety as well!

Most times, I feel like I am coasting through life. Just surviving. Definitely not thriving. Paying bills, fulfilling obligations, working, etc. I haven’t taken a vacation since 2006. Sometimes, I feel like I am watching my life is a dissociative way. I found a great way to describe how I feel during a therapy visit. I said that I have a hard time immersing myself in life. I participate in life activities, but I don’t fully feel as though I am immersing myself in them. I just do it.

I do laugh a lot, and I make others laugh around me a lot. But sometimes humor and laughter can hide great emotional pain and suffering. Why do I suffer? I have a great job, an awesome, healthy daughter, parents who care. This is another conundrum of depression and anxiety.

I suppose this blog post is more for me than anyone else, a way to vent and get a few things off my chest. But, maybe someone else out there can relate or experiences similar feelings? If you have gotten this far, thank you, and take care!


2 thoughts on “Going Through the Motions

  1. “Why do I suffer?” – that was the question that kept going round and round my head when I was intialydiagnossed with depression. I had a hard time accepting it as I had no reason to be depressed at the time. In fact at the time I even felt happy, yet I was suffering from insomnia which apparently is a symptom of depression. What I want to say is that that question is a trap and there’s no easy answer that fits all. I empathize with you and wish you will find some relief soon. *Hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: