Grumpy Book Grrrl

a reader and writer

I’ve dragged myself to therapy every other week since about July of this year? Use of the word dragged might indicate a poor attitude on my part from the get-go, but I have enjoyed it. Is that the problem? I have this idea that in order to receive that almost-mythical “breakthrough,” you need to be crying, uncomfortable, way out of your comfort zone, etc. I never get there.

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I’ve seen several therapists over the last decade, and it’s partially helpful. However, I feel like any epiphanies or revelations I’ve had happened on my own. (Honestly, I’ve had more “wow” moments listening to celebrity podcasts.) Recently, I’ve discovered a lot of my issues stem from shame, and I experience the need for control, but it’s from a fear of losing control over my emotions (I could care less if an alpha is in the room and wants to make all the decisions).

 

Every time I see a counselor, I pay thirty dollars for a co-pay and we have a very nice and safe discussion about how my life is going and how I feel about anything stressful or emotional that has happened since the last time. What do I know and is commonly discussed?

 

  1. I am unhappy with my job. My job is a good one and stable, but brings me no joy or passion.
  2.  Sometimes I have family issues that stress me out.
  3.  I feel unlovable and have self-esteem issues and an unhealthy body image.
  4.  I yearn to be creative and have issues with that.
  5.  I need to be more social.
  6.  I feel invisible.
  7.  My main triggers are driving, being around large groups of people, my Mom, my daughter’s father, multiple on-the-spot decision-making, hearing Trump’s voice.

 

There are other items, but the same ones crop up repeatedly. We discuss ways to identify negative thoughts (mood journals or CBT-Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), ways to be positive like keeping a gratitude journal, and taking a mood “check” several times a day. These are all great exercises, but I feel like I could do an internet search and come up with this on my own? Is it just me?

 

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I also found out recently that I have arthritis in my neck and either a bone spur or calcified cyst in my lumbar spine. I basically have the back of someone older than me. I even have an appointment with an orthopedic doctor tomorrow. Yeah, I know arthritis is very common, but apparently, I have a lot more of it. I guess the desk job finally caught up with me? I guess my fat (yet flat) butt finally caught up with me?

 

I’ve been going to physical therapy (only recently since I found out). I’ve learned some great stretching exercises, but again, I feel like I could have looked this up on the internet.

Here we go. I actually learned some of these exact ones, only instead of “mid-trap exercise,” it’s a modified Cobra.

 

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Not to mention that all of these $30 co-pays add up like a crazy mofo. Who can afford mental OR physical therapy?! Health care sucks in America. I don’t care what people say. I have it, but I can only use it when my kid gets sick!

 

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I’m not this super-enlightened person, and I realize my issues make me selfish in that I am inside my head, ruminating over my perceptions and problems. I just kinda wish that therapy felt more productive and insightful (just like my blogs about mental health-illness should be, right???).

 

Eh.

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